I hate flying. I can’t believe that I voluntarily climb into an aluminum tube and then attempt to defy the laws of gravity. Like most Americans I suffer the following indignities when traveling by air. The trouble starts before I leave for the airport. Ever since the airlines started extorting a baggage fee out of their customers my lovely wife insists upon utilizing every available pound. We weight our bags at the house. If a bag is 5 pounds short, Mrs. Oh Scott will insist on taking additional unnecessary items. “I’ve paid for 50 pounds so by God I’m going to fill it up” she often proclaims. I’m going to entirely skip over passing through security. That’s a blog all by itself.
My departures are normally delayed. The airlines explanation for the delay is most often a complete fabrication. My theory is that the broadcast delay proclamation is determined by a mechanical spinner wheel in the operations center. The random delay excuse wheel includes mechanical delays, weather delays, flight crew issues, traffic problems (two time zones away), and inaudible mumbling. You are almost never told the truth, that the airline is more incompetent than average today.
Hey now, listen up, it’s the preboarding announcement. Hello parents with kids, the physically challenged, active duty military in uniform, first-class, platinum elite status, gold elite status, or any other metallic status, and then me. I arrive at my seat just in time to witness the final stages of the overhead bin gladiator matches. I love watching someone trying to stuff a 50 pound “Carry On” bag into a plastic trough designed for 30 pound items. I’m pretty sure that I could solve a Rubik’s cube faster than the time required for bag stowage. I endure this grief because my fellow passengers are too cheap to pay a $25 fee. The airline executive that devised the bag fee should go down in the hall of shame.
If I’m lucky, I will be assigned to a row of seats occupied by normal size people. I’m not prejudiced against plus size passengers but why do airlines insist on trying to squeeze them in? Why not have about a third of the plane with plus size seats and charge a couple extra bucks? Speaking of bags and weight, if the airlines were truly democratic institutions they would assess the combined total weight of both passenger and bag. For example, if you and your bags combined weight exceeded 300 pounds, then and only then, should you pay a fee. Skinny guys like me would be able to carry multiple bags. The current policy is reverse discrimination if you ask me.
When it comes to seat selection I generally prefer the rear of the plane. Think about it. Have you ever seen a jet back up into the side of a mountain? I never have. Just keep me a couple of rows away from the lavatory. By the end of the flight they start to smell like a port a potty at a state park or a rock concert.
Next the flight attendants kindly instruct everyone to disable all electronic devices. The term “electronic devices” must confuse travelers because there is always someone that fails to comply. It’s that “special” someone that is now delaying the entire groups departure. In my opinion the flight crew should be permitted to Taser non-compliers. That or give fellow passengers a “free punch in the face voucher”.
During the emergency event instructions it’s a good idea to assess the passengers seated between you and the nearest emergency exit. In the unlikely event that your life depends on a speedy departure, you may have to take these people out in order to survive. Who knows who you may have to crawl over or step on in smoke-filled cabin? I see nothing wrong with planning ahead. Be prepared, like a boy scout.
Now that we are in the air, let’s review some basic passenger etiquette. If you are like most passengers you will most likely recline your seat. There is no need to snap it backward like the broken lazy boy in your living room. There is someone sitting behind you stupid! A simple touch of the button, combined with gradual backward pressure will do. It’s a technique I call “common courtesy”. What did the person in front of you do? How do you like having your teeth knocked loose? Get my drift?
Speaking of seatbacks, do most people realize they are paper thin? If so, why do I always get someone behind me that must be attempting to stuff a folding bicycle into the pocket? If I’m on the window and you’re on the isle, there’s a good chance that eventually, I may politely ask you let me out in order to answer the call of nature. Please spare me the heavy sighs and death stares upon my request. I also wish that my fellow passengers would try to avoid eating a 2 lb. bean burrito prior to our flight. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s worse, the stinky feet in front of me or the gasbag lurking in row six A. We are sealed in metal tube friends!
If you are on your honeymoon, will you please save it for the hotel? Thank you very much. If you are traveling with children (i.e. seat kickers) please sedate them all prior to boarding. It’s in everyone’s best interest. Frequently I have been on a flight that is “delayed” and as a result, I’m in real danger of missing my connection. The flight crew will normally ask the “non-late” passengers too please remain seated and kindly let the “runners” through. Most folks gladly comply, except for the one guy, at the front of the plane from Uruguay that immediately and permanently blocks the isle, thereby spoiling my escape from this airborne hell. If you are the passenger that opens the overhead bin first, please don’t let someone’s bowling ball fall out on anyone. You can be careful. I know you can.
I have no problem waiting my turn to deplane but do have a question? Why do 98% of all airplanes have only one door? You would think in the 21st century that the aeronautical engineers could find a way to add a door or two? Didn’t the Jetson's have flying cars 40 years ago? Come on man!
The final phase in this epic journey is the fanciful notion that you will somehow be reunited your luggage. Okay. Please proceed to the hypothetical baggage area. Disregard the six or seven decoy baggage carousels and proceed to the only working one in the entire airport. Next, let’s all stack up at the drop point and battle for our bags, much like a bunch of starving disaster victims waiting for a bag of rice, thrown from a hovering relief helicopter. Be sure to grab the first black bag that looks similar to the one you bought at Costco nine years ago. Don’t bother checking the name tag. I’m certain that no one else could have a black rectangle like yours. If you insist on abducting my bag, and hauling it to another county, revenge will be mine! You see, I am a returning passenger and my dirty laundry is in there! That’s right stinky! Gotcha!
Happy travels jet setters.
Oh Scott
