Why do we become 'Maniacs' for sports?

Hello sports fans! I’ve got a question for you, a question that you will likely relate to; there’s even a chance that this epitomizes you. Why do billions of people act like complete maniacs when following an athlete they have never met, or a team that has not won a championship in 50 years? My guess is that given a choice between following the daily news or a colorful distraction, it’s “game on” for most folks.

I’ll be the first one to agree, it’s not always fun and games. Rioting, hooliganism, and the occasional mass murder inside a soccer stadium – it can be a bit distasteful, but for the most part, sports are a good thing. I was born with several competitive bones in my body and appreciate games of all kinds, so let’s dive into the beautiful world of sports.

Here is a couple that top my list: American football, auto racing, Olympic sports, fishing, and elephant polo! Don’t believe me? Google it, I swear I didn’t make that up!

Despite my love for the variety of sports above, there’s one sport that truly gets me revved up and keeps me out of my seat, while wincing for those who are being inflicted with serious pain. Drum roll please…by far the most exciting sport in the world is professional bull riding. In what other sport does the opponent attempt to literally kill the athlete for the amusement of the audience? See the attraction? It’s the most wonderful train wreck that one simply cannot keep their eyes off of; it’s inevitable that someone is going to get injured, but naturally, you cannot change the channel.

Of course, everyone is entitled to his or her favorite sport, but at the risk of further alienating my vast audience, I am not afraid to mock the following sports.

·      Bowling and billiards - for obvious reasons.

·      Figure skating - not the skater’s themselves - it’s the scoring system I object to. Think about it. You don’t know your score until it’s over? Not much you can do about it then. That’s stupid.

·      Walk racing. It’s oxymoronic and spastic.

I’m also turned off by the blood sports of boxing, bullfighting, and Frisbee golf.

There are a couple of sports that would clearly benefit from an Oh Scott rules upgrade. That being excitement and extreme amusement!

·      Golf - Way too slow. Can someone please add a racing element?

·      Baseball - Same thing. How about a bat clock? Much like the shot clock in basketball; if you need a 7^th inning “stretch”, your game is longer than it needs to be.

·      Sailing - this would be considerably more interesting if the use of weapons could be reintroduced. You know, like pirates and Admiral Nelson.

Finally, I would like to improve the world’s most popular sport, soccer.

I would highly consider watching soccer if the players were allowed to use their hands, you added an extra ball, while putting up a fence and threw in an angry bull or two. Would that drastically change the entire sport? Yes, of course, but this is Oh Scott rules, and that would be my kind of thrill!

Finally, we wouldn’t be talking about true American sports unless we dove into the sport we dominate year after year. Getting fat! If “face stuffing” were an Olympic sport, team USA would be a lock for the gold, silver, and bronze medals. Clearly not something we should be proud of. Maybe we should all play more and watch less? Well, since I have a general dislike for getting all sweaty, I’ll just stick with being a fan for now. Go team!

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Be blessed and stay crazy, you sports maniac!  

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12 Days of Obama Christmas

Christmas, it's a very merry time of year, full of love and giving. Our President has been extra giving this holiday season, in his own special kind of way. 



Clear your throat, tune your voices and prepare yourself for the ultimate Christmas carol: 

• On the first day of Christmas Obama gave to me, a Kenyan in a palm tree.
• On the second day of Christmas Obama gave to me, a two term disaster.
• On the third day of Christmas Obama gave to me, three part-time jobs.
• On the fourth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, a healthcare website that doesn't function!
• On the fifth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Five bow's to Kings.
• On the sixth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Six laws delaying.
• On the seventh day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Seven Trillion Brimming.
• On the eighth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Eight cronies Bilking. 
• On the ninth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Nine Czars a dancing. 
• On the tenth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Ten times the lying.
• On the eleventh day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Eleven lib's a griping.
• On the twelfth day of Christmas Obama gave to me, Twelve scandal's - stunning!

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and a wonderful 2014!

Be sure to subscribe to my YOUTUBE CHANNEL and follow me on my Facebook page at HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/OHSCOTTSHOW and Twitter at HTTPS://TWITTER.COM/OHSCOTTSHOW.

Oh Scott

Gun Control in America

The second amendment is not something my Republican buddies cooked up a couple of years ago. It’s part of the Constitution. Is there anything funny about gun control? I can only think of the silly idea of taking guns away from law-abiding citizens. Americans own about 310 million guns and currently sales are at an all-time high. It’s not because we have all suddenly developed a taste for deer meat, or hunting season increases demand, it’s because we want to defend ourselves. It’s a natural response for us as humans to have a desire to defend ourselves and those close to us.

The liberal media believes that just because you support the Second Amendment you must be part of some “pro-mass shooting lobby”. There’s nothing good about crazy people shooting up schools and movie theaters with weapons. The simple fact is that if more sane people were armed, the mentally ill and downright crazy, would get off a lot fewer shots.

What would you teach your wife or daughter to do if they were being attacked? Hurl a rotten tomato, maybe issue a firm warning? Should she play possum until the cops show up? Faced with an attack, I would rather my wife have a gun in her hand than a 911 operator on the phone.

I’ll bet the Secret Service protects President Obama with more than just rotten eggs. I know from personal experience that owning a firearm is an excellent crime deterrent. Many years ago I was approached by two large drunks armed with baseball bats. The very moment I introduced my inebriated friends to Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson, they decided to play with themselves instead of skinny Scott.

Here’s my advice to the folks that don’t like guns. Don’t own one, it’s as simple as that. Law enforcement does a great job, but they take time to show up. We’ve been given the right to bear arms, by the U.S. Constitution to our free State, and I will continue to protect myself and those around me. If you want to hold off the burglars and rapists in your neighborhood with a rolled up New York’s Times, be my guest.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Be blessed and well protected!


Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube Channel and follow me on my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/ohscottshow and Twitter at https://twitter.com/OhScottShow.

Oh Scott

"O" - Lottery

President Obama seems to have run into a string of bad luck, fumbles and other assorted problems. Of course, all of this is somebody else’s fault. In an effort to help rebuild his shaken overconfidence, I have taken the liberty of helping the President become a winner for a change; especially since hope has faded and change is all we have left! My idea is very straightforward and, unlike most of his strategies, mine will not raise taxes or add to the federal deficit. It’s simple; all that is needed is a big score. Obama needs to hit the Lottery. The big one, Powerball! Not easy you say? Nonsense. He just needs the right numbers. I have selected the numbers on his behalf, not at random of course, but after a careful review of his record as President. 

#57. The number of states candidate Obama visited just prior to being elected, and yet after this assertion still won the election. (See May 2008 YouTube video). I knew we were in trouble when I saw this one.  

#30. The number of hours per week team Obama has defined as “full-time” work. Great, will someone please inform my supervisor that I will be scaling back my hours, but still expect the same compensation each week?  

#29:The maximum number of hours many Americans are now working as a direct result of the number 30. (see above) 

#50. There are two reasons for this lucky number. It is in fact how many United States exist. It’s really easy to mistake this number especially since it has not changed in over 54 years. It’s also very close to 57 if you think about it like that. The second reason I selected this number is that it is the number of employees that a small business must not exceed in order to avoid mandatory health insurance penalties.  

#49. This is the number at which many small businesses will stop hiring new workers, to avoid the cost of mandatory penalties (see above). This is also the average number of times the President says “um” per sentence whenever he is not using a teleprompter.  

#1. The Powerball, duh! Everything is about him. This one is a no brainer. Remember no “1” felt worse than he did when four Americans were killed in Benghazi. This tragedy isa result of his failure to protect them or send backup the night they were tortured to death.  Do you think the families of these patriots might disagree about who felt worse? I do.  

So there you have it. All that’s left now is to decide what to do with the multi- million dollar windfall? I see no point in donating this pittance toward our $17 trillion deficit. How about a direct donation to the families that lost their loved ones in defense of our country? This is really the only reason I decided to help in the first place! I just hope he “um” thanks me when he hits the Powerball. 

 

Tech Support Hell

Hello, this is Mehta Data (garbled) how can I be of assistance?
Sorry, what was your name? Meta Data sir. Thanks Mehta. Yes, my computer is not working and I'm hoping you tech support guys can fix it?
May I please have your name and de number you are calling from? Dat way in the event of a disconnection we may recontact you?
Uh, sure. It's Scott (interrupting) spelling please? S-C-O-T-T Cleveland, just like the city. Okay, Measter Cleveland, and de number please? It's 208-890-####. May I read that back to you? I guess, if you must. De number is 2-0-8-8-9-0-#-#-#-# correct? Yes, yes that's it. Can we please get started now? Okay, sure! All set now measter Scott, how can I be of assistance? Like I said Mehta, my computer programs do not work properly anymore. Okay, Mr. Scott let me ask you a question. Is the computer on now? What? Yes, the computer is on. Measter Scott, are you in the same room as de computer? No, I'm in Florida and the computer is in Idaho - of course I'm in the same room. (sarcasm ignored or not understood) Okay then,measter Scott do you prefer we fix the problem when you return from holiday?

No, No! I prefer we fix it now! Very well, let us begin. Please describe the general misbehavior of the machine?

Well, it was working just fine yesterday and then I received several software "updates" then I - (Interrupting) What kind of update did you request? Request? I didn't request anything. The computer wizards in the cloud must have sent the update. I don't know. Okay, okay, I understand, what does the computer say to you now? You mean on the screen? Yes on the screen Sir. It says my password is incorrect. Oh, I see. Did you retry your password? Yes, about 17 times. Did you check to make sure your keyboard is not set in cap lock or numbers lock? Yes, yes nothing is locked. Did you type in the password as case sensitive mode? Yes, yes! I type it in the same way I do 100 times a day!
Remain calm measter Cleveland. We will complete the repair in a jiffy okay?
Okay, okay, sorry Mehta, I'm just a little cranky over all of this. 

I am here to assist you. Let us continue. You mentioned that you are having password trouble. Did you recently change your password? No, definitely not. I never change any password unless I am forced to do so by you people. Excuse me? What people?
You people. The tech people. Very well, I see now. Is the problem with your log in password or your Windows password? I don't know. It's the one that comes up first.
That would be the Windows password. Let's first reset that one, okay? Please think of a word that has at least eight letters and a number, but no symbols. Please memorize the information for future input.
Is it okay if I write it on a sticky note? We do not recommend it for security purposes, you understand? That's okay, I'll just hide it here on my monitor. Okay, now measter Cleveland. Please type in the new password and hit enter. Tell me what you're seeing now?

Well, give me a second two here, yes it looks like, yep were in! 
Very good Mr. Scott! Is there anything else I may assist with before disconnecting? Yes please. Let's see if the thing actually works now okay? How about I checked my email real quick. I really need for that to work. Okay sure, give it a click and let me know please. Here goes, I'll just type the word "test" in the little white box and send. Crap! Uh Oh! Error message. Silence------- Mehta, hello hello, are you still there?
Yes. I'm sorry I am still here. What is the error? It just says error message number 803759 with the little yellow triangle thingy. Okay Mr. Cleveland I want you to type the following into your browser. My what? Your browser, you know the little box at the tip top of your screen. All yeah, the tip top box, of course. Please type http, colon, dot forward slash... Wait wait, is the colon and two little dots or the winky thing? Two dot's sir. Okay, got it two dots. Is the forward stick leaning to the right or to the left? He is leaning to the right sir. Okay good, then type the word tech support dot com. Is that in uppercase or lowercase? It does not matter sir! Okay Mehta, just checking. I don't want to have to go back and reset my password you know. Okay now hit enter. Type enter? Or hit Enter key? Just enter key!

Okay there now, very good Measter Cleveland. I have remote control of your PC and should be able to put a patch on your email. One moment please. Please do not touch the machine. No problem. Okay now measter Scott, it looks like you're all set and ready to go! 

Thanks Mheta. That's great, by the way, did I do something wrong to the computer that may have caused the problem? Yes, measter Cleveland, you touched the keyboard!! Ha!! Just kidding. A little techie people joke on you!! Just give me a call if you have any more of "updates" okay? I'm sure I will. Do you like a reference number for the call sir? Sure, I suppose. Okay, de number is 9553, 7882, 1434, 7069. ( I'm air writing this down) 

Okay Mehta, have a good day. It's 2:30 in the morning here sir. 


Oh, of course. I meant have a good night. Good night Sir!

OhScott creates internet buzz

Maybe the "buzz" is government drones trying to track me down? At any rate, the Oh Scott Show has proven popular among the masses. The program is self financed and you can probably tell. Even Larry the Cable guy had to start somewhere?

It's strange having security guards around all the time. If only they were as focused as Oh Scott!

 The groupies seen here are little young but they sure are cute!

 The good news is, so far I have no paparazzi following my every move.

YoScottCare!™

Welcome to my Obama care alternative.

Here is how it works. Everyone starts out with YoScottcare! ®. The genius of this plan is that Uncle Sam will pay you a monthly credit not to get sick or to seek out a medical professional. That’s right, a rewards program of sorts. Each month you remain healthy, the government funds a visa card that can accumulate money for future medical expenses. You can still buy your own insurance if you choose and see any doctor you like.

So what happens when you get sick? You can use your YoScottcare! ® Visa or your private insurance, or God forbid, your own money to pay the bills. What if you run out of those options? No problem. Now you qualify or gubament care. Here’s how it works. Gubcare (yes I already shortened it) is a government run medical system that must cover anyone no matter what.

In order to keep costs down you will be treated by some sort of nurse Ratchet and Dr. Budget. Never mind that they graduated in the bottom 25% of med school. Like the old joke. What do you call the guy that finished last in medical school? Doctor! Got that?

So where and when do you receive treatment under gubcare? That’s easy. The newly combined IRS/medical centers of America building that’s where! It makes perfect sense. These two are already going to be working closely together under Obama care. Why not share office space? The IRS officials have the facility by day and that healthcare professionals take over at night. Yes nights, that’s when you have to go. Not convenient? Sorry were trying to save money. It’s free. Quit you’re crying for God sakes.

The program sounds pretty solid so far but what happens when you were really old? That’s a great question. If you make it to age 80 and you still have a credit on your YoScottcare! ® Prepaid visa card you can now spend the balance on anything you want! Cool!! What happens when you die? Your balance passes tax free to your next of kin just like life insurance? Awesome!

So there it is folks, quality care for all Americans. My plan is only six pages long. That’s 1,306 less than the current Obama care law. See, I’m already saving you money!



Be sure to send your thank you notes to OhScott@OhScottshow.com

Hillary 2016

Relax! There’s no way I would ever vote for a Democrat. The following is a hypothetical list of the things that Hillary Clinton would have to do in order to be considered by Oh Scott for 2016.

1. Lose 285 pounds. His name is Bill. She should have divorced him several decades ago. The only reason she hasn’t is her own political ambitions. Hasn’t one Clinton already made “mark” on the Oval Office?

2. Raise the dead. ( from Benghazi ) A total of four people in all. These Americans were left to die when our government failed to send help in a timely fashion. The truth hurts.

3. Switch political parties. Not cocktail parties or Hollywood fund-raising crowds. She would have to become a Republican and start voting like one to get my vote. Like I said, “relax” this will never happen.

4. Sucker punch Joe Biden. Really, I mean it. I’m talking about a real shot in the face of this chief Wahoo look-alike. Preferably on live television and it just for the hell of it. This may be the only time I advocate violence without provocation.

5. Repeal Obama care. With what you ask? Yo Scott Care!™. This is my genius alternative plan, coming to a video soon. Stay tuned to our media page for details. You will dig me saving you money.

Keep in mind the only way she’ll get my vote is if all of the above happens. Since that is virtually impossible I will be voting for the “other person” in 2016. With any luck, so will a lot of other Americans.

Air Disaster

I hate flying. I can’t believe that I voluntarily climb into an aluminum tube and then attempt to defy the laws of gravity. Like most Americans I suffer the following indignities when traveling by air. The trouble starts before I leave for the airport. Ever since the airlines started extorting a baggage fee out of their customers my lovely wife insists upon utilizing every available pound. We weight our bags at the house. If a bag is 5 pounds short, Mrs. Oh Scott will insist on taking additional unnecessary items. “I’ve paid for 50 pounds so by God I’m going to fill it up” she often proclaims. I’m going to entirely skip over passing through security. That’s a blog all by itself.

My departures are normally delayed. The airlines explanation for the delay is most often a complete fabrication. My theory is that the broadcast delay proclamation is determined by a mechanical spinner wheel in the operations center. The random delay excuse wheel includes mechanical delays, weather delays, flight crew issues, traffic problems (two time zones away), and inaudible mumbling. You are almost never told the truth, that the airline is more incompetent than average today.

Hey now, listen up, it’s the preboarding announcement. Hello parents with kids, the physically challenged, active duty military in uniform, first-class, platinum elite status, gold elite status, or any other metallic status, and then me. I arrive at my seat just in time to witness the final stages of the overhead bin gladiator matches. I love watching someone trying to stuff a 50 pound “Carry On” bag into a plastic trough designed for 30 pound items. I’m pretty sure that I could solve a Rubik’s cube faster than the time required for bag stowage. I endure this grief because my fellow passengers are too cheap to pay a $25 fee. The airline executive that devised the bag fee should go down in the hall of shame.

If I’m lucky, I will be assigned to a row of seats occupied by normal size people. I’m not prejudiced against plus size passengers but why do airlines insist on trying to squeeze them in? Why not have about a third of the plane with plus size seats and charge a couple extra bucks? Speaking of bags and weight, if the airlines were truly democratic institutions they would assess the combined total weight of both passenger and bag. For example, if you and your bags combined weight exceeded 300 pounds, then and only then, should you pay a fee. Skinny guys like me would be able to carry multiple bags. The current policy is reverse discrimination if you ask me.

When it comes to seat selection I generally prefer the rear of the plane. Think about it. Have you ever seen a jet back up into the side of a mountain? I never have. Just keep me a couple of rows away from the lavatory. By the end of the flight they start to smell like a port a potty at a state park or a rock concert.

Next the flight attendants kindly instruct everyone to disable all electronic devices. The term “electronic devices” must confuse travelers because there is always someone that fails to comply. It’s that “special” someone that is now delaying the entire groups departure. In my opinion the flight crew should be permitted to Taser non-compliers. That or give fellow passengers a “free punch in the face voucher”.

During the emergency event instructions it’s a good idea to assess the passengers seated between you and the nearest emergency exit. In the unlikely event that your life depends on a speedy departure, you may have to take these people out in order to survive. Who knows who you may have to crawl over or step on in smoke-filled cabin? I see nothing wrong with planning ahead. Be prepared, like a boy scout.

Now that we are in the air, let’s review some basic passenger etiquette. If you are like most passengers you will most likely recline your seat. There is no need to snap it backward like the broken lazy boy in your living room. There is someone sitting behind you stupid! A simple touch of the button, combined with gradual backward pressure will do. It’s a technique I call “common courtesy”. What did the person in front of you do? How do you like having your teeth knocked loose? Get my drift?

Speaking of seatbacks, do most people realize they are paper thin? If so, why do I always get someone behind me that must be attempting to stuff a folding bicycle into the pocket? If I’m on the window and you’re on the isle, there’s a good chance that eventually, I may politely ask you let me out in order to answer the call of nature. Please spare me the heavy sighs and death stares upon my request. I also wish that my fellow passengers would try to avoid eating a 2 lb. bean burrito prior to our flight. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s worse, the stinky feet in front of me or the gasbag lurking in row six A. We are sealed in metal tube friends!

If you are on your honeymoon, will you please save it for the hotel? Thank you very much. If you are traveling with children (i.e. seat kickers) please sedate them all prior to boarding. It’s in everyone’s best interest. Frequently I have been on a flight that is “delayed” and as a result, I’m in real danger of missing my connection. The flight crew will normally ask the “non-late” passengers too please remain seated and kindly let the “runners” through. Most folks gladly comply, except for the one guy, at the front of the plane from Uruguay that immediately and permanently blocks the isle, thereby spoiling my escape from this airborne hell. If you are the passenger that opens the overhead bin first, please don’t let someone’s bowling ball fall out on anyone. You can be careful. I know you can.

I have no problem waiting my turn to deplane but do have a question? Why do 98% of all airplanes have only one door? You would think in the 21st century that the aeronautical engineers could find a way to add a door or two? Didn’t the Jetson's have flying cars 40 years ago? Come on man!

The final phase in this epic journey is the fanciful notion that you will somehow be reunited your luggage. Okay. Please proceed to the hypothetical baggage area. Disregard the six or seven decoy baggage carousels and proceed to the only working one in the entire airport. Next, let’s all stack up at the drop point and battle for our bags, much like a bunch of starving disaster victims waiting for a bag of rice, thrown from a hovering relief helicopter. Be sure to grab the first black bag that looks similar to the one you bought at Costco nine years ago. Don’t bother checking the name tag. I’m certain that no one else could have a black rectangle like yours. If you insist on abducting my bag, and hauling it to another county, revenge will be mine! You see, I am a returning passenger and my dirty laundry is in there! That’s right stinky! Gotcha!

Happy travels jet setters.

Oh Scott